English jokes, czyli kawały śmieszne TYLKO po angielsku :)

case

Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?
Client: I am looking for a gun.
Owner: What kind of gun are you looking for?
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one looks about right.
Owner: (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?
Client: It is for shooting at cans.
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun) Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans.
Client: (pointing again at the .44) Nah, I need this one.
Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?
Client: Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans...

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It is the first time they have flown together and it is obvious by the silence that they do not get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters:
- I do not like Chinese.
The First Officer replies:
- Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat?
- You bombed Pearl harbor. That is why I do not like Chinese.
- Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it does not matter, they are all alike.
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says:
- No likee Jew.
- Why not? Why do not you like Jews?
- Jews sink Titanic.
- No, no. The Jews did not sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.
- Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50, gave it to her and said he'd call her whenever he had another job for her to do. The blond thanked him and as she was walking back down the path, she called out "And by the way, I know everybody thinks blondes are stupid, but I thought you should know that it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A panda enters a nice Chinese restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo. The waiter gives it to the panda, and watches the panda eat all of it. Then the panda whips out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. The chef in the kitchen runs out but the panda has already left the restaurant. The angry chef finally catches up to the panda and asks the panda, "Why did you just shoot my waiter?". The panda looks very surprised and asks, "What was so unusual about that?". The indigdant chef replies, "You just can't go around shooting my waiter like that and then leave!". The panda whips out a dictionary and reads out loud the following entry: "Panda: A mammal indigenous to China. Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves".

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two ..."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They end an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.
"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter".
He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks why don't you handle the cooking?"
The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.
A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up". The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says,"This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."
The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".
They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his backside, and shouts:
Supplies!!!

Pewna londynska firma zamiescila w prasie ogloszenie o prace.
Odpowiedzialy na nie trzy osoby: Niemiec, Francuz i Hindus. Komisja
przeprowadzajaca rozmowe kwalifikacyjna chcac sprawdzic poziom
znajomosci jezyka angielskiego u kandydatów polecila, aby kazdy z nich ulozyl zdanie, które zawierac bedzie trzy slowa: green, pink i yellow.
Na pierwszy ogien poszedl Niemiec:
- When I wake up I see yellow sun, green grass and I think to myself
that will be wonderful, pink day.
Jako drugi byl Francuz:
-When I wake up I put my green pants, yellow socks and pink shirt.
Na koniec Hindus:
-When come back home I hear the telephone green green, so I pink up the phone and say: Yellow!

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto" and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

mackoff

Salute.

Niektóre naprawdę dobre. Cool

case

E tam, niektóre. Wszystkie Smile

A ten nie do końca rozumiem, ale...

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter continues, "Yes, I know, Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here they are." And, he read the following questions:

1. What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's name?

Forest goes away to think about the questions. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer them.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one," says Saint Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second ..."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one, too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's name.
Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard."

"Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."

"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?"

"Andy's song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... ",
and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

A teraz już rozumiem:

And there was a prayer we said there that went "Our father who art in heaven hallowed by the name..." but being so little I misinterpreted it as "Our father who art in heaven Howard be thy name"

case

Przepraszam, usunę to, ale muszę się podzielić radością....

[link]Tu był link do jednego z najbardziej śmieszących mnie obrazków w necie.[/link]

I usunięte, żeby dżentelmeńskiego uroku forum nie narażać Smile

Kto widział, ten zyskał. Kto nie, ma pecha Razz

case

WORKSTATION
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk is a workstation... what more can I say...

PERFECT WIFE
7 qualities to be a perfect wife: Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful and Self-Organised. In short, she must have B.R.E.A.S.T.S